"I only get one life and I will not let Fibromyalgia take the joy from my living it."

Thursday, March 31, 2011

My Apologies

beginnings of a vegetable garden
I know it seems like I've not been writing about Fibromyalgia lately. I write about being homesick and the process of foster care. But I write about it because I've been struggling lately with my depression and my emotions. I'm so emotional lately. This application for foster care has been so draining and we really haven't even started. But I can't seem to control myself. Tears come easily. All when it has to do with babies or foster care, etc. But it's not just crying. It's laughing too. In the worst times, like in church or Bible study. Somewhere you're not supposed to be laughing. I get the giggles when someone says something funny and I can't stop. I've also been bouncing my knee up and down. Many people have pointed it out to me. It's like I have all this tension that needs to come out and it's coming out in tears and giggles. I don't know if the Fibromyalgia makes this worse or if these are the emotions that all adoptive mothers go through. But I've been trying to do some things to relieve stress. My husband took me to the shooting range last weekend and I shot his new 45. That made me feel great! I was on a high after that which lasted all day. Well, I did pass out for an afternoon nap, but still felt good when I woke up. I've been working in our garden and even started my own container vegetable garden. I do feel better after we decided to change foster care agencies. Although we are starting all over, things should go faster and with a more competent agency. But I know that it's going to be an emotional ride. I will be droning on about it here some. Because depression is something that we all live with. 

Monday, March 28, 2011

See Saw

Well, our foster care training was rescheduled. Of course, we didn't know until we were already there! See I checked our email last time about 4 which up until that point that they had not even sent out a reminder about the meeting. When we got there and no one was there and we couldn't get a hold of anyone one we checked my email again and saw that they sent out an email just about the same time I had last check it, only two hours before meeting time, rescheduling it for next week. But we didn't get that because we were too busy eating an early dinner, getting ready and driving across San Antonio. Rob had to take off work early for this. Yeah, I'm still a little hot under the collar.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Where Homesickness Blooms So Does Hope

Me and Hubbie 2004
We've been here less than a year although it seems like much longer. Each new season brings a  list of things for which to mourn a loss of what we've left behind. Most of the time it is represented to me, in what may seem like to the rest of the world, the littlest of things. In the Fall I found myself crying in the Macaroni Grill when I found out that Live Oaks did not change colors. Thankfully, Fall waited for me to come home for Thanksgiving and welcomed me with her beautiful display of orange and reds.

Spring always brings the daffodils. I've always loved the daffodils. They are the first flowers to come up. They bloom long before you have to mow your lawn for the first time. That means you don't have to worry about mowing or weed-eating around them. They're low maintenance. That's why I love them.
Me and Hubbie 2007
I always watch for the daffodils and it signals that Spring is coming. Somehow this had slipped my mind. Usually I would be planning our annual trip to the daffodil festival and seeing how many people I could con into letting me take their photo.
friends' baby '07
But when I saw friends' pictures posted on Facebook I was taken aback. How could this have happened without my knowing it? I quickly sunk into a funk. I had been battling a little bit of homesickness lately anyway, but this pushed me over the edge. All I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry. No, all I wanted to do was go home. Not move, just visit. This is my home now. But I long to see my friends faces and feel their hugs. I want to walk through the fields of daffodils. I asked my friends here to please not remind me that there are bluebonnets here. That will not make me feel better. It's not about having pretty flowers. It's about having my pretty flowers. They represent a life. A life full of friends and family. Full of smiles, laughter and outings, Easter baskets and balloons. Never have I looked at a daffodil and wanted to cry, until now. Last year I diligently planted two rows of daffodil bulbs all around our mailbox,  lined our sidewalk and front porch. I wonder if they came up and bloomed? I wonder if the new owners enjoy them and are aware of how much work went into that beauty?
"My soul weeps because of grief; strengthen me according to Thy word." Psalm 119:28
But I know that God has called us here. I know that He has a plan for us here. He came before us and is making a life for us here.
"And the Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear, or be dismayed." Deut. 31:8
And just as He provided me a beautiful Fall when we went home for Thanksgiving and friends with whom to spend Christmas, He has given me hope in the Spring. I was preparing for the garage sale that we are having this weekend. I found a pot that I wanted to sell. But in that pot was left over dirt from our old home. In that dirt were the daffodil bulbs that I had dug up from behind our back fence.
I found them growing back there in massive clumps. Those are the daffodils I so lovingly divided and transplanted into our front yard. No one could see them where they were. There were so many and in such a variety. But when I had lined the mailbox, sidewalk and front porch all twice I still had so many left that I just stuck them in a pot. Two pots actually, but I don't know where the other one went. Anyway, I went to dump the dirt out so that I could sell the pot in our garage sale. I thought that I would dry out the daffodil bulbs and plant them in the fall, only to find that they were already trying to bloom.
If they can survive here, so can I.
They had been in a pot in our garage for 10 months with no water or sun. But they were already sprouting. Maybe that's why I really love daffodils. They are resilient. Like me. So I took those daffodil bulbs, I dug into the hard Texas ground and I planted them around the Live Oak in our front yard. I hope they bloom! They will be a great representation of my old and new life. Suddenly I don't feel so homesick.