Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Moldingly Obese
Have you ever noticed that fat people stink? I know I sound very insensitive and politically incorrect. But now that I myself am fat, I feel like I can say something about it. I mean, I don't think of myself as obese, although some doctors may. None of my doctors have ever suggested that I lose weight. Maybe because they know my circumstances. Or maybe because I'm really just what I consider myself to be, simply overweight. However, now that I am fatter I am very self conscious of becoming a stinky fat person. You know what I'm talking about, right? Really obese people have an odor about them. I've always thought it was because they had a difficult time showering or because they sweat more. Either way, I am determined not to become one of them. I've thought someone should speak out and help these people. But I don't want to reveal myself and my secrets to the world. But I was recently watching an episode of Bones, the television show about the crime fighting forensic anthropologist. She and her FBI partner walk into a room with a 500 pound women. Booth says, "What's that smell?" Bones stoically replies, "Mold. It grows in the fat creases of morbidly obese people." GROSS! So I decided to go ahead and tell you my secret to not being a stinky fat person. First of all, when washing I make sure that I wash well in the creases of my back fat. There, I said it. I have back fat. I still can't believe I just said that. UGH! Anyway, moving on. Be sure to rinse well and then dry well. Here's the big secret. Deodorant! Nothing perfumed either. Just powder fragrance. I use Dove. I wish the deodorant commercials would say this. I put deodorant under my breast. Let's face it, if you're bigger than a C cup you need it there. Skin on skin feels icky, especially when it's sweaty. Then I put deodorant in the creases of my back fat. OMG! I said it again. I have lost my mind! That's my big secret. You'll have to reread that last sentence because I am not saying (or typing) it again. But seriously, tell this secret to your BFFs. Your Best Fat Friends. Just don't point them to my blog. Despite the fact that I put it on the internet for the whole world to see, I don't really want everyone to know this about me. The reason I decided to write about it is because of my sensitivity to smells. When I smell things I get sick fast. This includes body odors, even my own. So do the world a favor, spread the word that deodorant is not just for underarms anymore.