Thursday, September 2, 2010
Standing In The Rain
My husband comes home from work and finds me asleep in the bed with both dogs. This is not the first time this has happened. He greets the dogs, does stuff around the house, takes them out to play, all the while I never even wake up. This, also, is not for the first time. He has to come wake me up for dinner. It's not the first time he's had to do that either. Worse, it's not the first time he's had to make his own dinner because I couldn't, or wouldn't, wake up. But it's a good thing he did wake me for dinner because I forgot to each lunch. How does one forget to eat lunch? I still can't give a good answer for that. He asks me if I'm depressed. I surprise him when I quickly and tearfully answer back, "I think so." But that's not why I've been sleeping so much. I'm sleeping so much because I'm completely exhausted. I try not to take an afternoon nap, but if I don't then by late afternoon I end up crashing literally and that's when he comes home and finds me in the bed. I cannot stay awake all day like a normal person. I cannot. CAN NOT. And even with a good nap I'm still ready to go to bed at 10 or 11pm. Part of it is just the fatigue from the Fibro. I think part of it is this new medicine I'm on because it can make you sleepy throughout the day. In fact, I remember when I used to be on a much higher does of it. The doctor had suggested that I take it earlier in the evening because I couldn't get up in the morning for work. But about 30 minutes after you've taken it you're passing out which is why you normally take it at bedtime. So what's better: to sleep late in the morning while my husband is at work? or to pass out at 8:30 while he's home and I don't get to spend time with him? Either way, I'm still passing out in the afternoon. I told him my sleeping was because of those two reasons, not from depression. I think that when you sleep from depression it's because you can't think of anything to do that you've got enough energy to do or that you got enough ambition to do. You can't think of anything you'd rather do, kinda like being supremely bored, so you sleep. Almost like boredom eating. It's boredom sleeping. That or you're so miserable that you want to sleep to make time pass by faster. I'm not doing either one of those. I have, but I'm not now. But I have actually been thinking about whether or not I'm depressed. I know that depression is a part of Fibromyalgia. When I met with my new doctor, the Fibromyalgia specialist, she didn't ask me if I was depressed. She just asked me "how is your depression?" I told her that I wasn't depressed. When I do get it, it comes on fast and hard. Something will set me off and I'll go spiraling down really fast and just plummet in one day. But I can be back up just as quickly the next day and be fine for months. And it really doesn't happen very often. But I know that depression is a common symptom of Fibro. And I know that my current situation, having just moved to a new state far from all our family and friends, makes me vulnerable. And I have become homesick. I asked myself just the other day if I thought that it had turned into depression. And I believe that it has. So when he asked me, I answered. But I also had an answer. This depression for me is a result of a situation that is exacerbated by the Fibromyalgia. The situation is temporary. When we make friends and get our life going here, the homesickness will abate and the depression will too. That may only take a few months. On the other hand, if I go to the doctor they will give me anti-depressants which take a few months of being in your system before they reach their maximum benefit. So if we just wait it out, it could be over before the medicine would even have really taken affect. So that's what we decided to do. Weather the storm together. Wait it out. I know it's there. I know I'm choosing not to treat it medicinally. I believe that when the situation changes it will go away. If it doesn't I will get treatment. And anyone reading this can hold me to that.